One time I was in a mattress store and there was a hella cute worker there but I was too tired to flirt and ended up napping on one of the mattresses and when he saw me wake up he came over with a banana in his hands and said “when I saw you I went bananas” and then pulled a coupon out of his pocket and said “and I also got you a coupon because I’m free for dinner” and that is the story about how i met my soulmate

(via bearsharkvevo)

  • her: come over
  • me: I can't my dog just fell asleep on my lap
  • her: my parents aren't home
  • me: he is ASLEEP



Men look so ugly masturbating how does that make u feel

jokes on you i look ugly all the time damn wassup how u feel 

(via rosiedoll)